Scleritis

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Assalamualaikum,

3 months ago, I have a serious eye problem. Actually, this was my 3rd time having eye problem but previously, they were still treatable when I applied eye drops. After 3-4 days of MC, my left eye still in pain and I was referred to Ophthalmologist in Manjung. After our 1st meeting, the Ophthalmologist gave me different kind of eye drops and told me to wait to see how it goes. That night I can’t sleep and having short breath. I really thought I was a goner. Turned out the eye drops contained steroid and my body was rejecting it. That morning I asked my friend to drive me the Ophthalmologist again. He then gave me different type of eye drops and medicine with a week of MC. I decided to stay at my sister’s house in case something happened and it was closer to the hospital as I need to do CT scan in 3 days. Again, this eye drops didn't work. Its getting worse when I can't get up at all and  vomited for 2 days. I'm truly indebted to my sister, brother in law and my cute nieces & nephew for taking care of me when I was in that horrible state. 

Scleritis
After the CT scan X-ray and blood test came out, the Ophthalmologist now sure that I have Scleritis.
“Scleritis is a painful inflammation (swelling) of the white part of the eye, which is also known as the sclera. In almost half of all cases, scleritis is associated with an underlying autoimmune disorder such as rheumatoid arthritis (RA).” - Kierstan Boyd, 2015 (retrieve from American Academy of Ophthalmology’s website)

In layman term (which I understood it just recently with the help of my Ophthalmologist), Scleritis occurs when your immune system attacks any swelling in your internal organs. The occurrence affects my eye. This is also the early symptom of RA.  This is also the reason why left eye was not treatable with just applying eye drops. To treat scleritis I was prescribed with steroid named Prednisolone. A steroid to suppress my immune system.

Alhamdulillah. This steroid suits me and subsides my pain after nearly 3 weeks of suffering. Since this involves internal swelling and immune system I must take Prednisolone for 3 months. It started with 13 tablets per day in the 1st week, reduced to 11 tablets per day the following week until 2 tablets per day to be consumed in the last month.

Side Effect

Long Absent - When I was on MC, regrettably I have to cancel all my lectures. I hate it when I have to cancel even 1 lecture. So when my left-eye was no longer in pain I started my lecture even though I was still on MC.
Hungrier - Taking steroid made me feel like I'm not living in my own body. I was constantly hungry. I need to eat most of the time and I became heavier in a very short time. Previously, I avoid taking heavy meal during the night times but now I cannot sleep without eating a hearty meal. Sandwich or salad were no longer enough.

Moody - Another thing is my emotions were all over the place. I became very sensitive, too sensitive and its not good because I'm dealing with other people  too. At one point I feel like there were too much in my plate. At one point I feel like giving up. At one point I feel like I'm not good enough. 

Steroid acne - Even when I was a teenager, I’ve never had a bad skin. Not that I had a flawless and smooth skin, I do have acne sometimes but I have never had a skin breakout. But, now I have steroid acne and it hideous. One day, I feel like hiding inside my office and do not want to have face-to-face communication with people. When people talk to me I feel like they are looking at acne and being a lecturer where you have to stand in front of your student confidently makes thing really hard for me. 

Vulnerable - This steroid is also called immune suppressor. When other people are taking supplement to boost your immune system, I have to do the opposite. Meaning, I am vulnerable to external infectious diseases. And I must say it's very difficult to avoid this as I'm dealing with people everyday.


Good Effect

Alhamdulillah. Today is the 3rd day I’m free from steroid. I hope everything is fine now. No more scleritis no more steroid. There a lots of things I've learnt from scleritis and I'm grateful to Allah for everything. In 2017, other than visiting Japan, I've never had a rest. When I was given MCs tha was the only time I can rest. Like REAL rest. My sister and her family were so nice and they provided me with everything when I was having my treatment.  Alhamdulillah. I also learn that my co-workers are the nicest human beings and I'm so blessed be with them. 

Now I can understand and have empathy towards people with the skin problems. It's hurtful when people are staring at your face full of acne.

And due to this also I'm becoming more closer to my Maker. More stress, more time spent with Allah. I realize that's the only way to control my mood. Indeed, this is Allah's way to remind His servant to remember Him more.

Alhamdulillah.


Happy new year!
Be happy and healthy everyone!
I hope from now on I can spend my time to write in here. This helps me reflect on what I've been through and be grateful in my everyday life.


Motivation renewed

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Assalamualaikum.

It’s been awhile since I wrote something in here. Since ayah’s entry.
Ayah’s passing surely had affected my whole life and it makes me re-evaluate my own goal. Recently, I went to a workshop about supervision and the speaker asked us: 

“What is your motivation?”
A seemingly simple question that was too hard for me to answer.

It used to be,
“I want to work hard to make my parents happy & healthy, take them to Mekah and enjoy their lives to the fullest” But, ayah is not here anymore.


The speaker asked us think about it again and kept repeating the same question:

“What is your motivation?”

Then I remembered something. As a new lecturer, I was swamped with a lot of responsibilities, challenged to teach new subjects, new style to adapt and met with different kinds of people. My time was filled with university’s stuff and I enjoyed it very much, never knew I will. I voluntarily went to the office during weekends to prepare the teaching materials and stayed in the office even after working hours. It is surely a hectic career but when I look at my students' accomplishments, it was totally worth it. 

I learn a lot about my life and the life of others too. Now I realized my new motivation.

“I want to work hard to fulfill and go beyond my responsibilities so Allah will be pleased with me"

I decided to stop putting my goal on human being. Human can perish but human’s Creator will always be here. By putting my responsibilities, I have covered a lot of things. Responsibility as my parents’ daughter, my students’ lecturer and you name it, insyaAllah I will stretch my limit to achieve it.

Actually the speaker did not want to hear our motivations, he just wants us to think about it deeply and realize it by ourselves.

Well now I realized mine. What's yours?




Ayah

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Ayah.
My loving father,
My hero,
The person who is always stood behind my selfish decision,
My number one supporter and protector,
The reason for my every action,
The source of my happiness and sorrow.
My first teacher.


Left me on 31st July 2015 (Friday at 1.30PM) after 2 years of bedridden due to stroke.
Kind of funny, cause I was born on 19th Sep (Friday at 1.30PM).


Ayah,
Left this world in front of me.
He used to said "Ayah mimpi ayah mati..sebelah Dikmi"
True. I can still remember the moment, the coldness of his feet. It will never fade away and it hurts.


Ayah.
Rest in peace.
I love you very much and I know you knew it.
Al-Fatihah.
I hope we can meet again in Jannah.
InsyaAllah, may Allah help us.











PhD convocation

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Assalamualaikum..

I had my PhD convocation on the 1st November last year.
It was a really amazing thing ever happened to me.

I was overjoyed.
Alhamdulillah. Even though Ayah cannot join me, I have my Mak, Diknah, Zahra, Apit and of course my bestfriend, Trex with me. And Sha, who joined us after the ceremony. Three of us went to Mersing afterward.

After Trex arrived at my house, we started our journey from Kedah to Skudai. I don't know how to express it in words but Trex is so precious. We went to Skudai by her car and she took few days off to accompany me during my convocation. We stopped at Melaka and we left Mak and Zahra at Enah's place. They will go to Skudai with Apit the next morning while Trex and I continued straight to UTM.

Walking my way up to the hall
Thank you Mak, Enah and Zahra for being with me during my PhD convocation.
With Trex, one of the best human beings I've ever met
Right after the ceremony ends, Mak and Enah went back to Melaka while me and my friends went to Mersing!

 These ocean loving people are at it again.
Any celebration or reunion, we must do at PANTAI! Very Dove.

I am over that

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Assalamualaikum

It has been a loooong time since I've  been here (virtually). My last update was posted on April 2014 and today is June 2015 already. A year plus has passed and a lot of things had happened to me. InsyaAllah I'll take my time to write them out one by one in here.


So where do I begin?

Maybe I should start at where I left. Last year, 2014.

Alhamdulillah I have already graduated.
If you are the avid reader of my blog, you must be so relieved.

"Finally, I don't have to read about this girl's whine, sad, demotivated's stories anymore"

Haha! A phd student's blog. What did you expect?
The path was so heavy, thorny, lonely, what else? I don't wanna think about it anymore..
I'm free now. I have my doctorate degree!
Alhamdulillah.Syukr to Allah for helping me along the way.
I was tested in the middle of the journey, I nearly lost all my hopes.
I am nothing without Allah's mercy.

So yeah, I have my 3rd convocation on November 2014.
It was sad...
Because Ayah should be there.He told his friends that he won't go to my Degree and Msc convocation because he wanted to save it for my PhD. Unfortunately, Ayah was bedridden due to his stroke attack. It's almost 3 years now...

oh no! I don't want to write about sad things anymore.
I am over that. Hopefully.


Well, I leave you with that -mood interrupted-

Next, I'll write about my experiences as R&D officer in industry.

May Allah bless all of us.
 

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