Saturday, May 18, 2013



"Mi, tok nak kencing.."
My beloved Tok (grandmother is referred as Tok by Kedahan) was hospitalized due to her serious stomach ache and I, at that point of time was at home during my semester break had to take care of her. Tok's motions were restricted so she needs my help to go everywhere. After 3 nights at Hospital Sik, I told Tok to get well soon or I would leave her alone at that hospital. I was feeling very bored and tired having to sleep on a chair, eating Tok's hospital meal and spending time in a ward full of sick people. After I finished threatening Tok, she asked me to make her a cup of coffee before making a promise to get well soon. I bet she knew her granddaughter's uneasiness.

However, Tok's condition started to worsen the day after and they decided to send her to general hospital in Alor Star. With blood bags on her bed, Tok was pushed into an ambulance by 2 nurses. With our clothes bags and stuff, I pushed myself into that ambulance too.

I heard Tok was calling my name, repeatedly. I held Tok's hand to makesure she can feel my presence beside her. I continously holding Tok's hand while strugling with a little headache as the ambulance was driven crazily fast.

Tok was pushed into an emergency room as soon as we arrived. Everyone moves in hectic mode there and I was alone waiting for Tok outside of the emergency room. Luckily, Paksu arrived few minutes after that. Tok has 2 children, my father & Paksu. Tok was admitted and my sister came from Penang to look after Tok together with me. While Tok was asleep, me and my sis took the opportunity to look around that new general hospital. It was a huge hospital, nothing like what we had in Sik. We bought bread and fruit for Tok.

A group of doctors came in the morning and did some rough check-up on Tok's health. They took Tok for a proper check-up involving squezing a tiny camera inside Tok's stomach in the evening. I saw part of Tok's cloth was covered with blood when a nurse pushed Tok to her bed where me and my sis were waiting. Tok said it was very painful and she got upset with me because I didn't go inside the operation room with her. After that Tok finally regained her strenght and was discharged 2 days later.

That was one of my valuable experiences with arwah Tok.


Tok has passed away on 12th May 2013.

Ever since Tok had gone forever, my tears drop almost everyday. It's not only because of the sadness but there's a pain inside my chest that no words can explain it. I wish i treated Tok better, I wish I massaged her regularly when she asked me to, I wish I listened to her dongeng, I wish she can witness my wedding and I wish I was there when she took her last breath.

Regrettably, I can't..

10 May 2013: Allah gave me an intuition that Tok will be gone forever.

May Allah bless my Tok, Engu Binti Hasan. Al-fatihah.

I will remember that feeling forever

Dear all, please appreciate everyone in our life for we don't know what we've got until we lost it.


  1. Al-fatihah untuk tok ekmi..actually bila seseorang tu dah takda, masa kita jaga dgn penuh kasih sayang time diorg sakit tula akan jadi saat terindah yg sukar dilupakan sampai bila2..

    1. Terimas Kema. Betui.. Maybe time depa sakit depa jd vulnerable & bergantung penuh kat kita. Time tu terasa dekat sangat and akan diingati selalu..



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